Wednesday, July 2, 2008

His Love

Do you ever have those days (weeks, months, maybe even years - in the words of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh)that you feel like you can't get it right? And by it I mean pretty much everything. You feel like every deficiency in you is being highlighted with a big neon sign for all the world to see. So you try to move faster, do better, speak more eloquently, parent wiser, be funnier, just BE better, all to feel even more miserable about everything wrong in you.

I'm in a Bible study right now. Have I mentioned that? We're doing Beth Moore's study on the fruit of the Spirit. Since day one of this study, it seems that all the "fruit" in my life has shriveled up, I mean like a raisin. I know that God has a way of putting His finger on the places in us that need to be changed. And I so want that. I want to be more like Him in every way.

I know that it can be painful when He's pruning us, and I'm not afraid of pain from Him. I crave it, simply knowing that it will only make me a more beautiful offering to Him in the end. The hard part is the overlapping of the pain I'm experiencing from His pruning and the pain I experience when I just forget who I am. They are totally separate, but inevitably, they happen at the same time. He puts His finger on the places I'm not trusting Him. At the same time, I fall into fear of circumstances. He puts His finger on places I'm not loving myself the way He loves me. At the same time, I fall into a well of agonizing self-criticism. He wants to show me what's deficient so He can show me that He is All Sufficient, and He is ready to be so in me. But rather than focusing on His All Sufficiency, I start focusing on me.

I want to see myself the way He sees me. I want to love myself the way He loves me. His love, so unbelievable, more difficult a concept to grasp than the Trinity. So beautiful. Amazingly, the moments when I get a glimpse, I love me more than I think possible. I stop trying so hard and just enjoy being me, not worrying so much about what's wrong with me and actually seeing all the beauty He's creating in me. Christ in me. That is my hope for glory.


Anonymous said...

I am definately myself worse critic and focus way too much on all the bad about me...thanks for the reminder.

KateVonGlahn said...

I enjoyed our time this weekend. I love being with you.