Aching For the Present

I had a random thought the other day. You know how dangerous random thoughts can be. I wondered at what age my boys would be "too old" to sit in my lap and let me cuddle them. Since that thought, I've found myself aching. Aching for the memories that are happening right now.

Things like when Luke wants to be in the conversation so badly that he just starts talking, using every word he knows, whether it makes sense or not. When he's older, he'll know all the words to use and won't do that anymore. And I won't remember how much it made me love him that he was trying so hard to "hang out" with me.

I don't know that I'll remember how Eli cuts his eyes when he's about to get into Luke's toys and then breaks into a big grin as he crawls as quickly as he can over to his target.

Even writing this, I can't remember all the things that have made my heart feel like bursting. I remember the feeling, but not what created it. That makes me ache. I ache that these moments of soft skin, baby hair, warm breath, "I tackle you, Mama!", total unashamed affection are so fleeting. I know, I'm getting way ahead of myself. But I feel it. I feel the time slipping through my fingers and my memories. I have already forgotten so many incredible moments.

I'm so glad I have this blog. I'll be able to remember so many things that would otherwise be tossed to the side without notice. But what about the things that can't even be written in words. They're the giggles, squeals, facial expressions, whispers that make me feel so content.

Because my boys will be my boys even twenty years from now, I know that I will always be having special moments that make me so proud to be their mama. And really, is it such a bad thing to ache for the present? Most of my life I've had to fight being anxious for the future or regretting not truly enjoying the past. Right here and now is where I want to be, remembering every moment.