Thursday, January 23, 2014

Caught Between

I feel like I need to start by saying I know I'm blessed. I'm not whining, though it might sound like it to some. I don't want to change a thing. Okay, maybe I would like to change a few things, but I'm ultimately content. But I'm also caught between.

I'm caught between, "The days are flying by!" and "Really? It's only 10 am?"
I'm caught between, "Someone else please start lactating so I can just go away for a day!" and "It's my baby! You can't have her!"
I'm caught between, "I am so privileged to stay home with my children!" and "I'm not mad at you. I'm just so jealous that you get to go to work today."
I'm caught between, "These are the best days of my life!" and "My life is passing me by."

I don't need a pep talk about how I'm doing the most important job in the world. I believe that wholeheartedly. I had a moment not long ago where I clearly heard God tell me that nursing my babies, in every sense of the word, was sacred and holy, and that Word forever did away with the, "Does what I'm doing matter?" questions. I'm just talking about "I want a coffee and a quiet car ride and an unrushed trip to the grocery store and a clean house for at least five minutes."

But the funny thing is, I don't want that. It's like there are two of me. I want my children in the car with me, even if half of them are crying and the other half are making crazy noises because all the crying makes them feel like they're coming out of their skin (I so get that, kids.) I want to know that they're waiting for me to get back, even when that means I've got the cart on two wheels, flying through the grocery store trying to get back before they've made a lunch out of marshmallows and chips. I want the noise and the chaos and the neediness, even when it makes me want to scream, "Everybody just calm the hell down!!!" One of me loves every single thing about my life. The other one of me wants to hide in the closet sometimes. Only, I know they'd just find me and think we were playing a fun game. And then I would sit there and cry and laugh at the same time. Caught between.


mama said...

you really need to send this in to a parenting magazine. every mama has felt like this and just hasn't known how to express it. and even though I am your mama, I am not prejudiced!

Christy Ward said...

I am so there!!!!! Caught between!

Hannah Hoffmann said...

I bet, Christy! Your four are closer together than mine are!