Memories of Love

Last Friday night when Luke was sick we got him settled in bed and went to bed ourselves a few hours later. As soon as we got the light off he called us because he had thrown up again. Since he's such a big boy now, he had thrown up into his pan and really just needed a little comforting and a clean pan. We got him settled again, got back in our bed and he called out again. I went to check and he hadn't thrown up, he just felt so bad. Rather than going back to my own bed I crawled in the bed with him to just be there and pat him when he needed it.

I've always had the most random little memories that float up when I can't seem to remember the big things that everyone else does. And that night in Luke's bed I had the most vivid memory of laying with my very own pan on Daddy's side of the bed that he had vacated so I could be the patient and my own mama the comforter. I remember it being a long night that lasted far past the point where my stomach had nothing left to lose and to the point where the only thing that I needed was Mama just to be there and pat me when I needed it.

That's not the first time I've remembered that night, but it is the first time I've remembered that night with such gratitude. Gratitude for my Daddy being willing to give up his side of the bed when he had to get up and go to work the next day, and gratitude for my Mama being willing to tend to me all night, never saying or doing anything to make me realize that next day was going to be even more tiring and difficult for her than that night. I got to stay in bed. She still had to get up and "do the day" with the other four kids.

There are so many things we can never appreciate about our parents until we are one. I could never appreciate all the times Mama worried if my temperature had risen or the rash on my leg had spread or if the finger I had smashed would be disfigured or the patch of hair on my head that had gotten ripped out would grow back before I was permanently emotionally scarred. And I could never appreciate all the financial stresses, farm business, safety issues, stressed out Mama moments that Daddy dealt with. I could never appreciate the times they comforted me concerning all the things I had no business worrying about in the first place. I could never appreciate the thousands of words and thoughts they had spent on me. How to teach this and deal with that and discipline for this and love through that.

As a parent, I appreciate all the things they DID do and I can't even remember the things they didn't do. I am so grateful for every moment they were patient with me instead of the few times they lost their cool. I am so grateful for games we played, the trips we went on, the movies we watched, the meals we shared, the friends of ours they welcomed, the times we all piled in the bed together, the memories we made. I am so grateful for the price they paid to help me be who I am. And I am so grateful for the price they are paying even now to continue being my Mama and Daddy, loving and supporting and encouraging me as I'm walking through the same journey they walked as they raised me and my siblings.

And I'm grateful they have never been perfect. It gives me hope. Hope that one day, in spite of all the mistakes Kris and I are making on a daily basis, our own children will have the very same revelation. Parents love with their whole being. It takes everything out of them. It's never fully appreciated, never fully understood, never fully accepted. But it is never wasted.