Judah,
My 100% child. Everything you do is 100%. Whatever it is, it's going to be 100% happy, 100% sad, 100% mad, 100% walking, running, jumping, laughing, hugging, kicking, messing up or cleaning up...you don't do life halfway. You are strong-willed. Blatantly so. Your brothers may be strong-willed, they're just a little quieter about it. But you, you let the world know that you know what you want.
Guess what.
I love that about you. I love that you are determined. I love that you feel so deeply and strongly. I love that you express yourself fully and openly. No hidden emotions and desires with you.
Judah, I owe you so much thanks. Thank you for not letting me control you. Thank you for shattering my illusions that I ever had control over any of you, my little treasures. Thank you for forcing me to find another way to parent. You have always questioned and pushed back and stomped on my demands. You have caused me to get on my knees in frustration and desperation before God, the very best parent ever, and cry out, "God! How do YOU do it?!"
My desperation has opened the door to His grace. It's His kindness that leads to repentance. Not His demands. Not His wrath. Not foot stomping, threatening, punishing. He's not so keen on those things. But only as you have required me to search for a better way have I seen that is not how He operates. He doesn't manipulate or guilt trip. He loves. He trusts. He is kind. He is not seeking His own way. He is desiring us to find the best way and choose it. When we don't, He continually calls out to us and draws us back to His heart. And when we do, He cheers us on and throws a feast.
I'm not perfect at His parenting style, Judah. I'm still figuring out what it looks like in this world. You know that better than anyone else. But you also do grace better than most. Whenever I fall back into thinking that if I stomp my size fives a little harder you'll obey, you show me it doesn't work, which reminds me obedience is not the end goal anyway. I'm not responsible for your behavior but your heart. And when I remember the truth and come back home to it, you welcome me with a grace-filled hug.
Thank you, my third baby bear.
Love,
Mom
Showing posts with label God Lesson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God Lesson. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Monday, May 19, 2014
Test Me In This
That's what I hear You saying in my spirit.
"Seek first My Presence, and I will take care of the rest. Test Me in this."
So many things on my list and so little time. A full day, every moment accounted for. But I hear You whisper,
"Spend time in My Presence. Test Me in this."
I will. I choose You and Your Presence. I find Peace and Promise that all has been done.
"Seek first My Presence, and I will take care of the rest. Test Me in this."
So many things on my list and so little time. A full day, every moment accounted for. But I hear You whisper,
"Spend time in My Presence. Test Me in this."
I will. I choose You and Your Presence. I find Peace and Promise that all has been done.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
You First!
In Exodus 33 Moses tells God,"Please don't send me with these people if You're not coming too!"
I'm so there! God, I cannot do this thing. I cannot leave this chair, this quiet moment with You, to lead these children through this day if You're not coming too. I don't want to stay in this place of little sleep and even less time of silence and stillness, moments alone, but never do I see my need for You more than when I'm here. When my life is in the rhythm I like, I rock along and look up sometimes to say, "Oh yeah, I need You." But in times like these, I cling to my chair, my moments with You, willing them to last just a bit longer.
You must come too! Your Presence first! You lead me! I cannot put one foot in front of the other unless you go first!
I'm so there! God, I cannot do this thing. I cannot leave this chair, this quiet moment with You, to lead these children through this day if You're not coming too. I don't want to stay in this place of little sleep and even less time of silence and stillness, moments alone, but never do I see my need for You more than when I'm here. When my life is in the rhythm I like, I rock along and look up sometimes to say, "Oh yeah, I need You." But in times like these, I cling to my chair, my moments with You, willing them to last just a bit longer.
You must come too! Your Presence first! You lead me! I cannot put one foot in front of the other unless you go first!
Friday, December 13, 2013
The Move, Part 3
Before Kris and I ever built our first house, we talked about the Victoria Park neighborhood here in town. It is a community with a pool, park, tons of bike and walking paths, community activities, shops and cute homes. There are several different sections of it - Victoria Commons with the community pool, Victoria Hills with the golf course and Victoria Gardens that is the 55 and older section. You don't get nearly as much house for your money, though, so we moved on. But when it came time to rent, the boys were begging to live in Victoria Park, and we thought it would be fun to try for a temporary thing. So, the search began.
Right away we saw that there were not only no listings in Victoria Park, but there were very few rentals available that would meet our needs, period. I wondered how this was going to work out, but I kept going back to the word God spoke to my heart that we would be blessed whatever way we turned. I didn't get anxious. I was really just excited to see what God was going to do.
Every day we checked rental listings while the closing date for our house inched closer. About three weeks before closing we found a listing in Victoria Park for a townhouse and one in a different, nice neighborhood, Bent Oaks, for a three bedroom smaller home. We looked at the townhouse, and while the boys begged and Kris made a case for it, I could feel my chest constricting every time I thought about living in 1600 square feet and no yard with our three boys and a newborn. After looking at that, the 1800 square foot three bedroom home in the Bent Oaks with at least a postage stamp yard looked heavenly. I said, "Let's do it!" We had to pick something and that was the lesser of the two evils. We told the rental agent to sign us up and we made application.
About a week later, I got up in the night to feed Susanna and was thinking about the dream I had just woken up from. In my dream, I was wrestling with the steering wheel of the van, trying to turn into the Victoria Hills neighborhood. As I drove past it, I said, "Okay, God, if you want us to let go of the Bent Oaks house, we will. I just need you to make it clear to me." I couldn't make sense of it, but I knew it was a dream with a word. Kris was tossing around next to me, so I said, "Can't sleep?" He said no, he was thinking about the house. I wasn't ready to talk about my dream, so I went back to sleep. The next morning I said, "Okay, I don't want to muddy the waters, and I don't know what to make of it, but here's what I dreamed last night." After I told him he looked at me and said, "Okay, what do we do?" I didn't know. There still weren't any listings in Victoria Commons, there had never been one in Victoria Hills and the Realtor for the Bent Oaks house was holding the house off the market for us until we signed the lease.
Back up three days before. I hear Kris at the computer saying, "What?! How did this get away from me? There's a listing in Victoria Hills that's been on here for three days. I've checked every day. How did I miss this?" He called on the listing, left a message with the Realtor, and talked to the receptionist who said the listing wasn't really available yet and wouldn't be ready until the 20th. We were closing on the 15th. The next day he looked again, and the listing wasn't listed anymore.
The morning of November 4th, eleven days before closing, after getting everyone to school, I sat down on the couch and through my tears said, "God! I know You have a plan. I know You're speaking. Help me to understand what I know You're saying to me. We need a house. We need to get this worked out. I don't doubt that You're active in this. I'm not afraid. But I would like this settled." Exhaustion with new baby and my need for security were tag teaming me, and I was spent. I felt the Lord saying, "What did you ask me for?" and taking me to Psalm 37:4: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Victoria Park. I asked Him for Victoria Park. But there were no listings in Victoria Park!?
So, I texted Kris what I had a few days before read on my counter calendar:
Right away we saw that there were not only no listings in Victoria Park, but there were very few rentals available that would meet our needs, period. I wondered how this was going to work out, but I kept going back to the word God spoke to my heart that we would be blessed whatever way we turned. I didn't get anxious. I was really just excited to see what God was going to do.
Every day we checked rental listings while the closing date for our house inched closer. About three weeks before closing we found a listing in Victoria Park for a townhouse and one in a different, nice neighborhood, Bent Oaks, for a three bedroom smaller home. We looked at the townhouse, and while the boys begged and Kris made a case for it, I could feel my chest constricting every time I thought about living in 1600 square feet and no yard with our three boys and a newborn. After looking at that, the 1800 square foot three bedroom home in the Bent Oaks with at least a postage stamp yard looked heavenly. I said, "Let's do it!" We had to pick something and that was the lesser of the two evils. We told the rental agent to sign us up and we made application.
About a week later, I got up in the night to feed Susanna and was thinking about the dream I had just woken up from. In my dream, I was wrestling with the steering wheel of the van, trying to turn into the Victoria Hills neighborhood. As I drove past it, I said, "Okay, God, if you want us to let go of the Bent Oaks house, we will. I just need you to make it clear to me." I couldn't make sense of it, but I knew it was a dream with a word. Kris was tossing around next to me, so I said, "Can't sleep?" He said no, he was thinking about the house. I wasn't ready to talk about my dream, so I went back to sleep. The next morning I said, "Okay, I don't want to muddy the waters, and I don't know what to make of it, but here's what I dreamed last night." After I told him he looked at me and said, "Okay, what do we do?" I didn't know. There still weren't any listings in Victoria Commons, there had never been one in Victoria Hills and the Realtor for the Bent Oaks house was holding the house off the market for us until we signed the lease.
Back up three days before. I hear Kris at the computer saying, "What?! How did this get away from me? There's a listing in Victoria Hills that's been on here for three days. I've checked every day. How did I miss this?" He called on the listing, left a message with the Realtor, and talked to the receptionist who said the listing wasn't really available yet and wouldn't be ready until the 20th. We were closing on the 15th. The next day he looked again, and the listing wasn't listed anymore.
The morning of November 4th, eleven days before closing, after getting everyone to school, I sat down on the couch and through my tears said, "God! I know You have a plan. I know You're speaking. Help me to understand what I know You're saying to me. We need a house. We need to get this worked out. I don't doubt that You're active in this. I'm not afraid. But I would like this settled." Exhaustion with new baby and my need for security were tag teaming me, and I was spent. I felt the Lord saying, "What did you ask me for?" and taking me to Psalm 37:4: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Victoria Park. I asked Him for Victoria Park. But there were no listings in Victoria Park!?
So, I texted Kris what I had a few days before read on my counter calendar:
"It's never a question of whether or not God will bless you - it's a matter of having your faith stretched out enough to receive the incredible measure of goodness God wants to pour into your life!"
and then: "Sitting here stretching out my faith net to capture God's goodness for us. He's been showing off for us all along and I'm anticipating another show for this house."
K: "What should we do, what are you leaning towards?"
Me: "I keep thinking that we've asked for Victoria Park so we need to give Him room to drop that blessing in our laps. Every time I start to think maybe He's got a different plan for us I have the thought, 'Yes, but we asked for Victoria Park.'"
K: I know and the boys really want it too. Should you call (the Bent Oaks Realtor) and tell her we need some time to think about this?
Me: "Honestly, I feel chicken about calling her. Would you do it this time? :)))"
Because he loves me so well, he called the Bent Oaks Realtor and told her we were going to pass on the house. She was ticked, just as we knew she would be, which is why I asked him to call her. :)
So, now we are down to only the townhouse as an option. My eye started twitching just thinking about it.
To be continued...
Thursday, December 12, 2013
The Move, Part 2
Listing the house was easy. We took some pictures and put it on Zillow. We thought we might get a few calls on it, but honestly, we never thought anyone would look at it with serious intentions. I thought I had great faith when we listed it, but looking back, I was totally winging it. Imagine our surprise when almost immediately we had three calls on it.
Like I said, Susanna was coming any day, so Mama had already decided to come into town so she would definitely be there in time for the birth. Blessing #1. Have you ever tried to get a house in showing condition with three boys living in it while 9 months pregnant? Just remembering makes me want to cry. Our house hadn't looked that good in a very long time. It quivered with gratitude by the time she was finished with it. Or maybe that was just me.
We showed it to two different couples, and a Realtor showed it once. The day I was going into the hospital to have Susanna, the second couple called and made a verbal offer. Blessing #2. Have you ever had someone make an offer to buy your house when you're walking into the hospital to have your fourth child? You're far too occupied to worry about how the heck you're going to pull it off.
The people who wanted our house were a dream from beginning to end. They were understanding about the fact that we had three children and a newborn and were flexible on closing dates and move out dates. (Yet another blessing since it took us FOREVER to get all our things out. Just a side note, we have entirely too much junk.) When we did the inspection, there was a small leak found. They were flexible about the repairman used to fix it. They fell in love with the house and committed to it and to us. A fact that gave us huge peace, since packing up and finding a rental with the possibility of the buyers backing out looming over your head would be nerve wracking.
Kris handled all the showing phone calls and dealings with the buyers. His observation: after the couple made an offer, we never had another call on the house. No unnecessary preparation and showings. Huge blessing!
Next hurdle, finding a rental.
To be continued...
Like I said, Susanna was coming any day, so Mama had already decided to come into town so she would definitely be there in time for the birth. Blessing #1. Have you ever tried to get a house in showing condition with three boys living in it while 9 months pregnant? Just remembering makes me want to cry. Our house hadn't looked that good in a very long time. It quivered with gratitude by the time she was finished with it. Or maybe that was just me.
We showed it to two different couples, and a Realtor showed it once. The day I was going into the hospital to have Susanna, the second couple called and made a verbal offer. Blessing #2. Have you ever had someone make an offer to buy your house when you're walking into the hospital to have your fourth child? You're far too occupied to worry about how the heck you're going to pull it off.
The people who wanted our house were a dream from beginning to end. They were understanding about the fact that we had three children and a newborn and were flexible on closing dates and move out dates. (Yet another blessing since it took us FOREVER to get all our things out. Just a side note, we have entirely too much junk.) When we did the inspection, there was a small leak found. They were flexible about the repairman used to fix it. They fell in love with the house and committed to it and to us. A fact that gave us huge peace, since packing up and finding a rental with the possibility of the buyers backing out looming over your head would be nerve wracking.
Kris handled all the showing phone calls and dealings with the buyers. His observation: after the couple made an offer, we never had another call on the house. No unnecessary preparation and showings. Huge blessing!
Next hurdle, finding a rental.
To be continued...
Monday, December 9, 2013
The Move, Part 1
Since having a fourth child is not exciting enough, we sold our house and moved. The story is much bigger than that, so full of God's goodness and grace. To tell it well, I have to go back to August.
When Luke and Eli finished school last year, we had been told that they would be in the same class together the following school year. The program they are in has a combined first and second grade class. While Eli was thrilled, Luke was unsure about having his brother with him 24/7. Right before the school year started I got a call from the teacher saying they were going to move some of the second graders in with the third grade class, and would I be okay with Luke moving up. Luke was thrilled, I was unsure because I didn't know the third grade teacher and absolutely loved the second grade teacher.
"Meet the Teacher" happened without me because that was the day I was going with Kris to make the size of our family permanent. :) Kris' mom took the boys for me. So, about two weeks into the beginning of the school year I made an appointment with Luke's teacher to meet her for the first time. The morning of the meeting Judah and I walked Eli to his class, where we stopped to chat with Eli's teacher (Luke's teacher from the year before). She spent five minutes telling me what all she was doing to help Eli with his handwriting (which I was almost completely unable to decipher - he's a lefty) and also how proud she was of what a hard worker he was and how glad she was to have him in her class. She had a room full of students, but she gave me that gift because that's the kind of teacher she is. (By the way, Eli's handwriting is so good now, I sometimes have to ask who's is who's when looking at his and Luke's papers!) I went from there to meet Luke's teacher. I knew within fifteen seconds of meeting her that she was something special and that having her as Luke's teacher would be a gift.
I left the school overwhelmed. My boys are my heart, and it is challenging for me to leave them in someone else's care for seven hours a day. When I sat down for some quiet time I wept in gratitude at God's goodness for giving my boys teachers who I knew would love them and recognize their needs, as well as draw their strengths out of them. I said, "God, look what You've done!" So sweetly and clearly, I saw a mental picture of God shrugging His shoulder and saying, "What do you expect? You are blessed. Homeschool or public school, you will be blessed. Your children will be blessed. Your family will be blessed. You are blessed. The blessings of Abraham are yours."
Moments like that are so profound. They change us because they are ours alone. We can hear someone else's word from the Lord or read the Word, but when we hear Him speak a word directly to us, that word has power to change us. I walked away from that moment with the beginning of a new journey of powerful peace and trust.
A month later, Kris and I were talking about our house and our dream to build a new house on a lot that we purchased earlier in the year. While we were happy in our home and with our location, we had lots of equity in our house but not the resources to do the things to our house that were sorely needing to be done. Three boys can be rough on carpet, walls, furniture, etc. With God's word to me freshly ringing in my heart, I said to Kris, "Why don't we just put our house on the market for way more than we think we can get for it and just see what happens?" He reminded me that we were about to have a baby any day and didn't really have a plan past selling the house. To which I replied, "God told me we would be blessed, so let's give him an opportunity to show us how good He wants to be to us."
To Be Continued...
When Luke and Eli finished school last year, we had been told that they would be in the same class together the following school year. The program they are in has a combined first and second grade class. While Eli was thrilled, Luke was unsure about having his brother with him 24/7. Right before the school year started I got a call from the teacher saying they were going to move some of the second graders in with the third grade class, and would I be okay with Luke moving up. Luke was thrilled, I was unsure because I didn't know the third grade teacher and absolutely loved the second grade teacher.
"Meet the Teacher" happened without me because that was the day I was going with Kris to make the size of our family permanent. :) Kris' mom took the boys for me. So, about two weeks into the beginning of the school year I made an appointment with Luke's teacher to meet her for the first time. The morning of the meeting Judah and I walked Eli to his class, where we stopped to chat with Eli's teacher (Luke's teacher from the year before). She spent five minutes telling me what all she was doing to help Eli with his handwriting (which I was almost completely unable to decipher - he's a lefty) and also how proud she was of what a hard worker he was and how glad she was to have him in her class. She had a room full of students, but she gave me that gift because that's the kind of teacher she is. (By the way, Eli's handwriting is so good now, I sometimes have to ask who's is who's when looking at his and Luke's papers!) I went from there to meet Luke's teacher. I knew within fifteen seconds of meeting her that she was something special and that having her as Luke's teacher would be a gift.
I left the school overwhelmed. My boys are my heart, and it is challenging for me to leave them in someone else's care for seven hours a day. When I sat down for some quiet time I wept in gratitude at God's goodness for giving my boys teachers who I knew would love them and recognize their needs, as well as draw their strengths out of them. I said, "God, look what You've done!" So sweetly and clearly, I saw a mental picture of God shrugging His shoulder and saying, "What do you expect? You are blessed. Homeschool or public school, you will be blessed. Your children will be blessed. Your family will be blessed. You are blessed. The blessings of Abraham are yours."
Moments like that are so profound. They change us because they are ours alone. We can hear someone else's word from the Lord or read the Word, but when we hear Him speak a word directly to us, that word has power to change us. I walked away from that moment with the beginning of a new journey of powerful peace and trust.
A month later, Kris and I were talking about our house and our dream to build a new house on a lot that we purchased earlier in the year. While we were happy in our home and with our location, we had lots of equity in our house but not the resources to do the things to our house that were sorely needing to be done. Three boys can be rough on carpet, walls, furniture, etc. With God's word to me freshly ringing in my heart, I said to Kris, "Why don't we just put our house on the market for way more than we think we can get for it and just see what happens?" He reminded me that we were about to have a baby any day and didn't really have a plan past selling the house. To which I replied, "God told me we would be blessed, so let's give him an opportunity to show us how good He wants to be to us."
To Be Continued...
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
The Darling of Heaven
The Darling of heaven
Came from above.
Drew me to Him
To show me the Father's love.
I can't truly know it
Until I can see
The Darling of heaven
Is Living in me.
He is the Darling
And I am in Him
I took on His beauty
When He took on my sin.
I can't understand it
Until I can see
That the Darling of heaven
Gave me His identity.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
School Time
I'm sure most moms who blog have already put up pictures of their children's first day of school. I saw plenty of them on Facebook. We took pictures of Luke and Eli's first days, but I'm not sure they're post worthy. Luke's are good, but Eli is turned away from the camera so you won't see where he's been crying.
Can you hear the sound of my little heart breaking?
I know it will work itself out. I know he'll adjust. I know it just takes time. But right now, I'm trying to hide my tears too. For whatever reason, ones I will probably only be able to put into words a few years down the road, I feel this need to protect and mother Eli far more than I do Luke or Judah. Maybe because he is less independent, even though he's growing every day. Maybe it's because he really just wants to be with his mama and daddy, and I love that so much. Maybe because I remember being the same way.
Whatever the reason, I so needed this devotional this morning from my devotional book, Jesus Calling. (By the way, this is the best five minute devotional I've ever had. It nails the very thing going on in my life on a daily basis. It's almost like the author, or maybe God, is stalking me. I love it!)
"Entrust your loved ones to Me; release them into My protective care. They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands. (I told you - STALKING!) If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one - as well as yourself. Remember the extreme measures I used with Abraham and Isaac. I took Isaac to the very point of death to free Abraham from son-worship. Both Abraham and Isaac suffered terribly because of the father's undisciplined emotions. I detest idolatry, even in the form of parental love.
When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand. As you entrust others into My care, I am free to shower blessings on them. My Presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest. This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me. Watch to see what I will do."
Jesus Calling
August 23rd
UPDATE: When I picked the boys up today, I asked them how the day went. Eli said, "Good! It was fun!" And then he remembered that he wasn't supposed to like school and quickly said, with a little smile, "Oh, I mean, it was boring."
Can you hear the sound of my little heart breaking?
I know it will work itself out. I know he'll adjust. I know it just takes time. But right now, I'm trying to hide my tears too. For whatever reason, ones I will probably only be able to put into words a few years down the road, I feel this need to protect and mother Eli far more than I do Luke or Judah. Maybe because he is less independent, even though he's growing every day. Maybe it's because he really just wants to be with his mama and daddy, and I love that so much. Maybe because I remember being the same way.
Whatever the reason, I so needed this devotional this morning from my devotional book, Jesus Calling. (By the way, this is the best five minute devotional I've ever had. It nails the very thing going on in my life on a daily basis. It's almost like the author, or maybe God, is stalking me. I love it!)
"Entrust your loved ones to Me; release them into My protective care. They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands. (I told you - STALKING!) If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one - as well as yourself. Remember the extreme measures I used with Abraham and Isaac. I took Isaac to the very point of death to free Abraham from son-worship. Both Abraham and Isaac suffered terribly because of the father's undisciplined emotions. I detest idolatry, even in the form of parental love.
When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand. As you entrust others into My care, I am free to shower blessings on them. My Presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest. This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me. Watch to see what I will do."
Jesus Calling
August 23rd
UPDATE: When I picked the boys up today, I asked them how the day went. Eli said, "Good! It was fun!" And then he remembered that he wasn't supposed to like school and quickly said, with a little smile, "Oh, I mean, it was boring."
Saturday, August 4, 2012
The Throne of Grace
I've been learning about the difference between my spirit and my soul with this book. I picked it up probably a year or so ago, and then, after reading maybe three chapters, moved on. Six months ago I picked it up again, and it has shaken me to the core. At the risk of sounding dramatic, and I like to think I am not, I told Kris that as I began to see and understand the truth in this book, I could see that it was like I had been standing in a jail cell my entire Christian life, never seeing that the cell door had been open the entire time.
The length of all that I've seen and understood through this study is too much for one blog post (and Judah's attention span - as I type he is launching himself off the furniture), but I had a revelation the other day. I know I've heard this before, but when I "saw" it the other day, it grabbed me and broke off yet one more misconception about how God sees me (and they have been plentiful, but praise God, I am being set free and healed by His truth!).
In Hebrews 4:16, we are urged to "come boldly before the throne of grace to find mercy and grace in our time of need." At Bible study two weeks ago, one of our points encouraged us to envision ourselves approaching the throne of grace. Then the question was posed, "How did you look?" I knew by the expression on most of our faces that we looked pitiful. I knew that wasn't right, that's not what the Bible says, but that was how I felt when I thought about me approaching God. Pitiful, unworthy, broken, hoping for acceptance...like a beat dog. Not at all bold.
Then I heard the words coming out of my mouth, "Now, let's envision Jesus approaching God's throne. What does that picture look like?" Joyful reunion, arms opened wide, God moving off the throne to embrace His Beloved, friends reunited and celebrating their love for one another.
If freedom had a sound, I can only imagine what it sounded like in that room that night.
First Corinthians 5:21 says, "He became sin who knew no sin that we might become the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus." I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. So, when God looks at me, he doesn't see my brokenness, my willfulness, my selfishness, my imperfection, my sin. Because He is eternal, He looks at the eternal part of me, my spirit, and sees the perfection of Jesus. He sees the blood Jesus shed. He sees His demands of righteousness and true holiness satisfied.
Now when I envision myself approaching His throne, I see joyful reunion, arms opened wide, God moving off the throne to embrace His Beloved, friends reunited and celebrating their love for one another. I see Him loving and accepting me because when He looks at me, He sees Jesus.
16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16
The length of all that I've seen and understood through this study is too much for one blog post (and Judah's attention span - as I type he is launching himself off the furniture), but I had a revelation the other day. I know I've heard this before, but when I "saw" it the other day, it grabbed me and broke off yet one more misconception about how God sees me (and they have been plentiful, but praise God, I am being set free and healed by His truth!).
In Hebrews 4:16, we are urged to "come boldly before the throne of grace to find mercy and grace in our time of need." At Bible study two weeks ago, one of our points encouraged us to envision ourselves approaching the throne of grace. Then the question was posed, "How did you look?" I knew by the expression on most of our faces that we looked pitiful. I knew that wasn't right, that's not what the Bible says, but that was how I felt when I thought about me approaching God. Pitiful, unworthy, broken, hoping for acceptance...like a beat dog. Not at all bold.
Then I heard the words coming out of my mouth, "Now, let's envision Jesus approaching God's throne. What does that picture look like?" Joyful reunion, arms opened wide, God moving off the throne to embrace His Beloved, friends reunited and celebrating their love for one another.
If freedom had a sound, I can only imagine what it sounded like in that room that night.
First Corinthians 5:21 says, "He became sin who knew no sin that we might become the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus." I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. So, when God looks at me, he doesn't see my brokenness, my willfulness, my selfishness, my imperfection, my sin. Because He is eternal, He looks at the eternal part of me, my spirit, and sees the perfection of Jesus. He sees the blood Jesus shed. He sees His demands of righteousness and true holiness satisfied.
Now when I envision myself approaching His throne, I see joyful reunion, arms opened wide, God moving off the throne to embrace His Beloved, friends reunited and celebrating their love for one another. I see Him loving and accepting me because when He looks at me, He sees Jesus.
16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Muscle Memory
I've been taking a class at the YMCA for about a year now called Body Combat. It's a combination of boxing, karate and tai chi. The class is a series of boxing, kicking, jumping, squatting, lunging, punching and other various unnatural movements set to really loud, really fast music. When I first started the class I was completely lost and made a fool of myself on a regular basis. I was weak, out of shape, absolutely intimidated and, honestly, only able to make it through the class if I gave about 50%. Now, I am able to keep up with anybody in the room, encourage those beside me to push harder and give every ounce of mental and physical energy I have through (almost) each song. Plus, I actually fill out the butt of my jeans because I have muscles where there were none. It works, and I'm hooked.
This morning while in the class I found myself thinking about the muscle memory I have gained from being in this class. I find myself following the order of the routine without even looking at the instructor because my body knows what moves to do. What used to feel awkward and unnatural now feels normal and powerful. I know what I'm doing, and I'm confident that the moves are building muscle and endurance rather than just building humility.
The parallel to the battle of walking in spiritual strength grabbed me. Every new challenge I face in my spiritual walk at first feels awkward and uncomfortable. I feel week and unable. I feel like quitting, hiding my face, laying down until the urge to fight back passes. But if I persevere, I develop muscles where before I had spiritual "butt sag". After a while, I recognize strength in me that I never knew I had, I begin to feel and look like the fighter I am in Christ. I can keep up and encourage those beside me to push harder, and I can give every ounce of mental and spiritual energy I have through each obstacle.
"When your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." James 1:3-4
This morning while in the class I found myself thinking about the muscle memory I have gained from being in this class. I find myself following the order of the routine without even looking at the instructor because my body knows what moves to do. What used to feel awkward and unnatural now feels normal and powerful. I know what I'm doing, and I'm confident that the moves are building muscle and endurance rather than just building humility.
The parallel to the battle of walking in spiritual strength grabbed me. Every new challenge I face in my spiritual walk at first feels awkward and uncomfortable. I feel week and unable. I feel like quitting, hiding my face, laying down until the urge to fight back passes. But if I persevere, I develop muscles where before I had spiritual "butt sag". After a while, I recognize strength in me that I never knew I had, I begin to feel and look like the fighter I am in Christ. I can keep up and encourage those beside me to push harder, and I can give every ounce of mental and spiritual energy I have through each obstacle.
"When your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." James 1:3-4
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Parenting
I think often that parenting is not for the faint of heart. It is, by far, the most difficult thing I have ever done. The perfectionist part of me often gets frustrated with the feeling that if someone could come to my house, watch me parent and then give me constructive criticism I could "get it right" and my kids would have a perfect upbringing. I know, ridiculous, but we all wish we could guarantee that we're not screwing up too bad and that our children will turn out well in spite of our daily, numerous mistakes.
One of the boys had an attitude recently that, quite frankly, broke my heart. He acted ugly to another child with almost bully-like behavior, just because the child was younger and smaller than him. It hurt me to see that was in his heart, mostly because I have vivid childhood memories of being the recipient of that type of behavior and even more vivid memories of the times I tried out that behavior myself. As a result, I have a deep compassion for the underdog, the outcast, those on the fringe. When I see someone being treated unkindly just because they're different, smaller, bigger or less somehow, I become furious. So after I pulled my child aside and attempted to explain to him why his behavior was completely unacceptable and a repeat of it would most certainly result in attention to his backside, I sat and contemplated what I was doing wrong as a mother that my child would behave in such a manner.
When I was rehashing my despair with Kris later that night he said, "You're doing a good job. You're doing exactly what he needs you to do. What you're doing is giving him a conscience." He had just that day heard on the radio where a guy was talking about how one of our jobs as parents is to help our children develop a conscience.
Most of you are probably reading this saying, "Duh", but it was really a revelation to me. I know that my kids are learning everything brand new. I guess it just never occurred to me that knowing right from wrong wasn't inherent. Even Judah knows when he's doing something he's not supposed to. But really, if I think about it, he only knows when it's something he's tried before and I've put the kibosh on. Even the Bible says that we were given the law to know when we are doing wrong (Romans 3:20), and right now, for my children I am functioning as both the Word of God and His Holy Spirit. When they receive Him for themselves, they will still need me to guide them and teach them, but they will have His Holy Spirit inside of them, convicting them of sin.
So I trust. Seems like I finish a lot of posts with this declaration. Parenting is not for the faint of heart!
One of the boys had an attitude recently that, quite frankly, broke my heart. He acted ugly to another child with almost bully-like behavior, just because the child was younger and smaller than him. It hurt me to see that was in his heart, mostly because I have vivid childhood memories of being the recipient of that type of behavior and even more vivid memories of the times I tried out that behavior myself. As a result, I have a deep compassion for the underdog, the outcast, those on the fringe. When I see someone being treated unkindly just because they're different, smaller, bigger or less somehow, I become furious. So after I pulled my child aside and attempted to explain to him why his behavior was completely unacceptable and a repeat of it would most certainly result in attention to his backside, I sat and contemplated what I was doing wrong as a mother that my child would behave in such a manner.
When I was rehashing my despair with Kris later that night he said, "You're doing a good job. You're doing exactly what he needs you to do. What you're doing is giving him a conscience." He had just that day heard on the radio where a guy was talking about how one of our jobs as parents is to help our children develop a conscience.
Most of you are probably reading this saying, "Duh", but it was really a revelation to me. I know that my kids are learning everything brand new. I guess it just never occurred to me that knowing right from wrong wasn't inherent. Even Judah knows when he's doing something he's not supposed to. But really, if I think about it, he only knows when it's something he's tried before and I've put the kibosh on. Even the Bible says that we were given the law to know when we are doing wrong (Romans 3:20), and right now, for my children I am functioning as both the Word of God and His Holy Spirit. When they receive Him for themselves, they will still need me to guide them and teach them, but they will have His Holy Spirit inside of them, convicting them of sin.
So I trust. Seems like I finish a lot of posts with this declaration. Parenting is not for the faint of heart!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Power of the Tongue
Luke has had a wart on the bottom of his foot for months now. It was really big, but it didn't bother him. Now me, it totally grossed out, but I'm a girl, and that is to be expected.
Last week when we were looking at it I thought of the story in the Bible about the fig tree that Jesus cursed because it wasn't bearing any fruit. In Mark 11, Jesus curses a fig tree because he was hungry, but when he came to the tree their wasn't any fruit on it. He cursed the tree saying, "Let no one eat fruit from you ever again." (vs 14) The next morning when he and his disciples came back by the tree they saw that it had dried up "from the roots." (vs 20) Jesus teaches them in verse 23, "For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says."
When Luke and I were checking out his wart I told him the story of the fig tree and said, "Luke, lets start cursing this wart every time we look at it and telling it to dry up at the roots and fall off your foot." I told him it could be like an experiment (which he loved) and we could just see what happens. He said, "Wouldn't that be cool if it just fell off?"
Last night I noticed he was picking at the wart, and he said it didn't hurt to do that, which was a new thing. So he picked at it for a few minutes, and then he pulled the whole thing off! Not just the top of it, but down to the root! That sucker shriveled up and came off!
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." Psalm 18:21
I don't know about you, but I know I have a few more things in my life and family that I need to start cursing or blessing!
Last week when we were looking at it I thought of the story in the Bible about the fig tree that Jesus cursed because it wasn't bearing any fruit. In Mark 11, Jesus curses a fig tree because he was hungry, but when he came to the tree their wasn't any fruit on it. He cursed the tree saying, "Let no one eat fruit from you ever again." (vs 14) The next morning when he and his disciples came back by the tree they saw that it had dried up "from the roots." (vs 20) Jesus teaches them in verse 23, "For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says."
When Luke and I were checking out his wart I told him the story of the fig tree and said, "Luke, lets start cursing this wart every time we look at it and telling it to dry up at the roots and fall off your foot." I told him it could be like an experiment (which he loved) and we could just see what happens. He said, "Wouldn't that be cool if it just fell off?"
Last night I noticed he was picking at the wart, and he said it didn't hurt to do that, which was a new thing. So he picked at it for a few minutes, and then he pulled the whole thing off! Not just the top of it, but down to the root! That sucker shriveled up and came off!
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." Psalm 18:21
I don't know about you, but I know I have a few more things in my life and family that I need to start cursing or blessing!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Faith
I have found that while the boys are out of school and we're not running around so much, I'm much more relaxed in the mornings. I've enjoyed sitting in what feels like the "holy hush" of the early morning, looking at the Christmas tree with the lights burning (minus the strand that is out) and thinking about my favorite Christmas songs "O Holy Night" and "Silent Night". I can't help but celebrate the sacrifice God made of sending His Son and the sacrifice that Jesus made in coming as a man - a baby even.
I'm grateful for Mary's sacrifice. She gave up everything. Everything! In her day, she risked her life by saying "Yes" to God. She gave up her dreams, the dream basically every girl has from the time they are little of finding their love, marrying, having children...in that order. She gave up her reputation. Then and for the rest of her life she was known as the woman who said "God told her" that she would bear the Messiah. And when we really consider the story, her claims were never truly validated because the Jewish people thought Jesus would come as a king, not a servant. She gave up the dream every mother has for her son of a happy, peaceful, long, honored life. She sacrificed so much.
I've been thinking a lot about the men and women of Hebrews 11. Abraham went, not even knowing where he was going. "Sarah received strength to conceive...when she was past the age". Moses "refused to be called the son of Pharoah's daughter, choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin". Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jepthah, David, Samuel...
"All these, having obtained a good testimony through faith, did not receive the promise."
When I think about these people, what they sacrificed, what they went through to obey, all because they believed God to be faithful...When I look at Mary, how she was never truly vindicated in her life time, never saw the promise of her son reining as King...When I look at my life, the places where I'm not seeing God "come through" on what He's promised...
"These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth." (Hebrews 11:13)
If it never happens, if I never see what I've worked for and sacrificed for come to be, I will trust. Because He who promised is faithful.
I'm grateful for Mary's sacrifice. She gave up everything. Everything! In her day, she risked her life by saying "Yes" to God. She gave up her dreams, the dream basically every girl has from the time they are little of finding their love, marrying, having children...in that order. She gave up her reputation. Then and for the rest of her life she was known as the woman who said "God told her" that she would bear the Messiah. And when we really consider the story, her claims were never truly validated because the Jewish people thought Jesus would come as a king, not a servant. She gave up the dream every mother has for her son of a happy, peaceful, long, honored life. She sacrificed so much.
I've been thinking a lot about the men and women of Hebrews 11. Abraham went, not even knowing where he was going. "Sarah received strength to conceive...when she was past the age". Moses "refused to be called the son of Pharoah's daughter, choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin". Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jepthah, David, Samuel...
"All these, having obtained a good testimony through faith, did not receive the promise."
When I think about these people, what they sacrificed, what they went through to obey, all because they believed God to be faithful...When I look at Mary, how she was never truly vindicated in her life time, never saw the promise of her son reining as King...When I look at my life, the places where I'm not seeing God "come through" on what He's promised...
"These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth." (Hebrews 11:13)
If it never happens, if I never see what I've worked for and sacrificed for come to be, I will trust. Because He who promised is faithful.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Walking in Peace
Peace is not natural, but it is spiritual.
I choose the Spirit and the ways of the Spirit. I choose peace, not fear. My children will be led by the Spirit, protected by angels, bound by Covenant to the very heart of God. I will walk in and pray out of the God given authority over my childrens' lives - not because I will it, but because it is the will of their heavenly Father. They get to make their own choices, but according to the Word, they will choose Him because even now they are being shown the way of life.
God. I trust your promises and your heart for our children.
I choose the Spirit and the ways of the Spirit. I choose peace, not fear. My children will be led by the Spirit, protected by angels, bound by Covenant to the very heart of God. I will walk in and pray out of the God given authority over my childrens' lives - not because I will it, but because it is the will of their heavenly Father. They get to make their own choices, but according to the Word, they will choose Him because even now they are being shown the way of life.
God. I trust your promises and your heart for our children.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
For Him
"So, whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31
I've never understood what this really looks like. How do my daily "dailies" get done "for the glory of God"?
When I obey this command, I help a friend, not because I'm trying to win God's favor or to look like a good friend. I already have His favor, and I want my friend to know she has it too. I want her to know He thinks she's a big deal.When I discipline my children, it's not so they will behave in public and make me look good. It's so they learn to bow their knee to authority and ultimately win freedom. It's not so he'll love me and serve me back that I love and serve my husband. It's because I've been loved and served and I have the privilege of loving and serving. My motivation changes and so does my attitude. When my attitude changes so does my response when things I do aren't necessarily appreciated, or maybe aren't even noticed! I just get to be grateful that it's not about me and that God didn't quit on me because I haven't responded appropriately to Him. He isn't motivated by need for affirmation and appreciation, need for order, need for affection. He is motivated by love.
So will I be.
I've never understood what this really looks like. How do my daily "dailies" get done "for the glory of God"?
When I obey this command, I help a friend, not because I'm trying to win God's favor or to look like a good friend. I already have His favor, and I want my friend to know she has it too. I want her to know He thinks she's a big deal.When I discipline my children, it's not so they will behave in public and make me look good. It's so they learn to bow their knee to authority and ultimately win freedom. It's not so he'll love me and serve me back that I love and serve my husband. It's because I've been loved and served and I have the privilege of loving and serving. My motivation changes and so does my attitude. When my attitude changes so does my response when things I do aren't necessarily appreciated, or maybe aren't even noticed! I just get to be grateful that it's not about me and that God didn't quit on me because I haven't responded appropriately to Him. He isn't motivated by need for affirmation and appreciation, need for order, need for affection. He is motivated by love.
So will I be.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Messy
My friend came over for lunch last week while the big boys were in school and Judah napped so we could celebrate her birthday. She commented, "Your house is so clean every time I come over. I can't even keep up in our house and it's just the two of us."
Ummm...of course it was clean. I knew she was coming over.
At pretty much any other given moment, this is what my house looks like:
So often I feel like people have the idea that because I almost always have a smile on my face that I "have it all together". What does that even mean? Children are messy. I am messy. Family is messy. Relationships are messy. Life is messy. NOBODY has it all together. Some of us are just better at pretending and hiding than others.
Perfection looks like Jesus. Period. When I start comparing my life to anyone else's, I become dissatisfied. I want the things they have while they're wanting what I have. I wish I could do the work that she does while she just wants to stay home. I try to mimic his personality while he's trying to be someone else entirely.
"Godliness with contentment is great gain." (1Tim. 6:6) Everybody gains something when I keep my eyes on Jesus. I will be the very best version of me when I don't try to be like anyone else but Him. I know this, and yet, I forget. And the messiness starts to bother me.
I have to keep reminding myself that if I didn't have the "messy" I wouldn't have the children, the family, the relationships, the life. What fun is that?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Relationships
What a word! What a concept! God knew He wanted relationship with us. So did the enemy of our souls. That is why he has been undermining trust and truth in relationships since the beginning of time.
If Satan can get us to doubt each other; if he can get us to think and expect the worst of each other; if he can get us to love ourselves more than each other; if he can get us to sabotage our relationships with each other by being overly sensitive, secretive, insensitive, too busy, negative, harsh or sarcastic, then sabotaging our relationship with God is a cinch.
Psalm 133 -
"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!
2. It is like the precious oil upon the head, running down on the beard, the beard of Aaron, running down on the edge of his garments.
3. It is like the dew of Hermon, descending upon the mountains of Zion; for there the Lord commanded the blessing - Life forevermore."
If Satan can get us to doubt each other; if he can get us to think and expect the worst of each other; if he can get us to love ourselves more than each other; if he can get us to sabotage our relationships with each other by being overly sensitive, secretive, insensitive, too busy, negative, harsh or sarcastic, then sabotaging our relationship with God is a cinch.
Psalm 133 -
"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!
2. It is like the precious oil upon the head, running down on the beard, the beard of Aaron, running down on the edge of his garments.
3. It is like the dew of Hermon, descending upon the mountains of Zion; for there the Lord commanded the blessing - Life forevermore."
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Daily Manna
I am often frustrated by the way my children seem to not hear me when I speak. They keep moving in the direction they've chosen as if I had been completely silent. Am I even here? Do I even exist? If a mom speaks in a forest of children and nobody responds, did she really even speak?
So many times I have to say, "Luke, stop what you're doing and listen to me." Or, I have to get on my knees and put Eli's face in my hands to get his attention. Even then I have to ask him, "Do you understand" and wait for, "Yes, ma'am" or I may as well have never gotten on my knees.
Lord, make me stop what I'm doing and listen. Take my face in your hands and don't let go until I answer you. Don't let me ignore you when you speak to me. You are the ONE in my day that matters most. I give my children and my husband, my family and friends NOTHING that matters more than you. I cannot give them You if I, myself, do not partake.
I'm dry, Lord. Absolutely parched. My soul thirsts for YOU. Why do I refuse to stop and drink? Nothing else will satisfy the unsatisfied places in my soul that I attempt to satiate with food, computer, reading, being busy. Nothing. The house being clean will not make me full. Getting my children in the bed will not give me rest. The restlessness and dissatisfaction I feel will only be remedied in your presence.
I complain about the "same-ness" of my day. Washing the same clothes. Kissing the same b00-boos. Correcting the same behavior. Cooking the same meals. Cleaning the same toilet. (On that note, I have three potty-trained boys in this house. I cut myself some slack about complaining in that area.) Picking up the same toys. Driving the same route to and from Luke's school. The same routine, the same little faces, the same, the same, the same...
The Israelites complained about the same, too. They despised the manna that you provided daily. It wasn't interesting enough, they said. They had just been delivered from slavery, and they complained. They were free but so unsatisfied. Sounds familiar.
"So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. Your garments did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years." Deut. 8:3-4
Father, I choose this day to thank you for freedom. Thank you for manna. Thank you for our clothes. Thank you that I have the privilege of being the one who kisses my boys' boo-boos. Thank you that you give me the wisdom on how to correct their behavior. Thank you for food for our meals. Thank you for a working toilet and that I only have one boy in diapers! (And that one day they will be able to clean the toilet themselves!) Thank you for all the fun toys we have. Thank you for the car that takes us to and from Luke's school and that he is so happy to go there. Thank you for the stability in our home that allows the same routine. And, oh God! Thank you for the sweet little faces that are my joy and my treasure.
"When you have eaten and are full, then you shall bless the Lord your God for the good land which He has given you." Deut. 8:10
So many times I have to say, "Luke, stop what you're doing and listen to me." Or, I have to get on my knees and put Eli's face in my hands to get his attention. Even then I have to ask him, "Do you understand" and wait for, "Yes, ma'am" or I may as well have never gotten on my knees.
Lord, make me stop what I'm doing and listen. Take my face in your hands and don't let go until I answer you. Don't let me ignore you when you speak to me. You are the ONE in my day that matters most. I give my children and my husband, my family and friends NOTHING that matters more than you. I cannot give them You if I, myself, do not partake.
I'm dry, Lord. Absolutely parched. My soul thirsts for YOU. Why do I refuse to stop and drink? Nothing else will satisfy the unsatisfied places in my soul that I attempt to satiate with food, computer, reading, being busy. Nothing. The house being clean will not make me full. Getting my children in the bed will not give me rest. The restlessness and dissatisfaction I feel will only be remedied in your presence.
I complain about the "same-ness" of my day. Washing the same clothes. Kissing the same b00-boos. Correcting the same behavior. Cooking the same meals. Cleaning the same toilet. (On that note, I have three potty-trained boys in this house. I cut myself some slack about complaining in that area.) Picking up the same toys. Driving the same route to and from Luke's school. The same routine, the same little faces, the same, the same, the same...
The Israelites complained about the same, too. They despised the manna that you provided daily. It wasn't interesting enough, they said. They had just been delivered from slavery, and they complained. They were free but so unsatisfied. Sounds familiar.
"So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. Your garments did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years." Deut. 8:3-4
Father, I choose this day to thank you for freedom. Thank you for manna. Thank you for our clothes. Thank you that I have the privilege of being the one who kisses my boys' boo-boos. Thank you that you give me the wisdom on how to correct their behavior. Thank you for food for our meals. Thank you for a working toilet and that I only have one boy in diapers! (And that one day they will be able to clean the toilet themselves!) Thank you for all the fun toys we have. Thank you for the car that takes us to and from Luke's school and that he is so happy to go there. Thank you for the stability in our home that allows the same routine. And, oh God! Thank you for the sweet little faces that are my joy and my treasure.
"When you have eaten and are full, then you shall bless the Lord your God for the good land which He has given you." Deut. 8:10
Friday, August 8, 2008
Every Good Purpose
I read this scripture today and thought it was encouraging:
"We constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith." 2 Thess. 1:11
So often I give something a try and either A)feel like it was a complete flop or B)get no feedback, good or bad, and worry that it was a waste, that I offended someone and now they're secretly holding a grudge, that I did it wrong and no one wants to bother to tell me, the list goes on. Ridiculous, I know, but who of us doesn't deal with those petty insecurities that so often practically paralyze us?
When I read this scripture, I felt like it was an encouragement that when we act out of a will that is honestly seeking to obey the heart of God, HE will be responsible for the outcome. I've heard people speak on the necessity of being willing to make mistakes for God to be able to completely show Himself through our lives. I love knowing that He will be the one who fulfills "every good purpose (intention)" of mine and He will make my act of obedience worth something.
"We constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith." 2 Thess. 1:11
So often I give something a try and either A)feel like it was a complete flop or B)get no feedback, good or bad, and worry that it was a waste, that I offended someone and now they're secretly holding a grudge, that I did it wrong and no one wants to bother to tell me, the list goes on. Ridiculous, I know, but who of us doesn't deal with those petty insecurities that so often practically paralyze us?
When I read this scripture, I felt like it was an encouragement that when we act out of a will that is honestly seeking to obey the heart of God, HE will be responsible for the outcome. I've heard people speak on the necessity of being willing to make mistakes for God to be able to completely show Himself through our lives. I love knowing that He will be the one who fulfills "every good purpose (intention)" of mine and He will make my act of obedience worth something.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
His Love
Do you ever have those days (weeks, months, maybe even years - in the words of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh)that you feel like you can't get it right? And by it I mean pretty much everything. You feel like every deficiency in you is being highlighted with a big neon sign for all the world to see. So you try to move faster, do better, speak more eloquently, parent wiser, be funnier, just BE better, all to feel even more miserable about everything wrong in you.
I'm in a Bible study right now. Have I mentioned that? We're doing Beth Moore's study on the fruit of the Spirit. Since day one of this study, it seems that all the "fruit" in my life has shriveled up, I mean like a raisin. I know that God has a way of putting His finger on the places in us that need to be changed. And I so want that. I want to be more like Him in every way.
I know that it can be painful when He's pruning us, and I'm not afraid of pain from Him. I crave it, simply knowing that it will only make me a more beautiful offering to Him in the end. The hard part is the overlapping of the pain I'm experiencing from His pruning and the pain I experience when I just forget who I am. They are totally separate, but inevitably, they happen at the same time. He puts His finger on the places I'm not trusting Him. At the same time, I fall into fear of circumstances. He puts His finger on places I'm not loving myself the way He loves me. At the same time, I fall into a well of agonizing self-criticism. He wants to show me what's deficient so He can show me that He is All Sufficient, and He is ready to be so in me. But rather than focusing on His All Sufficiency, I start focusing on me.
I want to see myself the way He sees me. I want to love myself the way He loves me. His love, so unbelievable, more difficult a concept to grasp than the Trinity. So beautiful. Amazingly, the moments when I get a glimpse, I love me more than I think possible. I stop trying so hard and just enjoy being me, not worrying so much about what's wrong with me and actually seeing all the beauty He's creating in me. Christ in me. That is my hope for glory.
I'm in a Bible study right now. Have I mentioned that? We're doing Beth Moore's study on the fruit of the Spirit. Since day one of this study, it seems that all the "fruit" in my life has shriveled up, I mean like a raisin. I know that God has a way of putting His finger on the places in us that need to be changed. And I so want that. I want to be more like Him in every way.
I know that it can be painful when He's pruning us, and I'm not afraid of pain from Him. I crave it, simply knowing that it will only make me a more beautiful offering to Him in the end. The hard part is the overlapping of the pain I'm experiencing from His pruning and the pain I experience when I just forget who I am. They are totally separate, but inevitably, they happen at the same time. He puts His finger on the places I'm not trusting Him. At the same time, I fall into fear of circumstances. He puts His finger on places I'm not loving myself the way He loves me. At the same time, I fall into a well of agonizing self-criticism. He wants to show me what's deficient so He can show me that He is All Sufficient, and He is ready to be so in me. But rather than focusing on His All Sufficiency, I start focusing on me.
I want to see myself the way He sees me. I want to love myself the way He loves me. His love, so unbelievable, more difficult a concept to grasp than the Trinity. So beautiful. Amazingly, the moments when I get a glimpse, I love me more than I think possible. I stop trying so hard and just enjoy being me, not worrying so much about what's wrong with me and actually seeing all the beauty He's creating in me. Christ in me. That is my hope for glory.
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